No More Pepper Spray!!

My plan for this blog was to write about Bean – the crazy child, but as I said in my last post, that child is 100% ALL ME! It’s tough to admit, but she is.  She gets most of her craziness from me and the rest from my husband.  Now, if you know me well, you know I can laugh at myself and I do some dumb things from time to time. I figure the best way to get used to writing about our whole family is start by making fun of myself...just get it out of the way first! So here’s the latest and greatest of me!

This story began over a year ago. My husband was away and there was an alleged attack just a few houses down from us. Of course, I went straight to gun store.  I actually didn’t want a gun because I recognize the fact that I’d likely injure myself or someone else with it and IF I had to use it, I’d be shaking so bad I wouldn’t hit anything anyway! So, I’m looking for the next best thing – A TASER!! Yes! That would be awesome! I could just zap someone! I don’t want the one that you have to actually hold to the bad guy’s skin, I want the one that shoots out probes that shock the crap out of the bad guy! Hhhhmmm, I wonder who I can try this out on. 

Well, as it turned out, the gun store didn’t have any super fun tasers so I decided to go home and shop around a little while but I got some pepper spray in the mean time.  This stuff is supposed to be great. It’s even has UV dye and it’s supposed to be sticky so the assailant can’t get it off and police can identify him/her if they’re caught.  Sounds good, right?!

Right!  Let’s remember, my husband is gone and I can’t simply call him on the phone to ask him dumb questions (which he’s extremely used to). So I’m thinking, “If a gun has a safety, shouldn’t a can of pepper spray?” Absolutely it should! What if the kids got a hold of it? They’d surely spray me for fun…or the dog, the poor dog. I can see this could be a real problem.  I couldn’t find any real directions for the can so it must not have a safety, a simple point and shoot method perhaps?

I had to figure this out so that if I were attacked, I’d know exactly how this thing works. So I tried it – just sprayed it into the sink – easy enough.  I felt better, there’s no safety, which bugs me but now I know. 

Now I’m calmer and ready for bed, I go to wash my face and suddenly my face is on fire! What the hell?! Then it hits me…somehow I got that damned pepper spray on my hands!  My nose, my face, my eyes…they’re all on fire!  And in walks the oldest child…yes, the smart ass.  Perfect!  He’s quick and it doesn’t take him long to figure out what’s happened. While I’m writhing in agony, almost drowning myself under the faucet to make the burning subside he is laying in the floor, laughing uncontrollably and pointing at me!  “You idiot!,” he cries. (He really shouldn't talk to me like that but what can I do about it right now? And, he's right!) “Does Dad realize who he’s left us with?” he bellows in hysterical laughter.  HA HA HA – he’s just sooooo funny. I was sure then that I’d never hear the end of this.

Fast forward to last night. We just moved so I’m not used to the new place yet and hubs was working all night. We live out in the country and I could hear loud music coming closer to the house.  Of course this bothered me, especially considering we had some teenagers “parking” in the dead end next to our driveway a few nights before. So, I locked all the doors, lowered the blinds and crawled into bed…with the lights on.  Then, the damn dog needs out – just great! There’s a murderer on the loose and he has to pee!  I quickly let him out and wait for him to want back in – it’s usually only a minute or so. Thirty minutes go by and now I have to go out and look for him because he NEVER stays out that long. So, off I go, into the woods (okay, just our big yard, but at night when you’re scared, it’s the woods) with my pepper spray in hand. I didn’t even make it off the patio before the dog came running in. Thank goodness because I really didn’t feel like being murdered.  The dog and I get back in bed, I rub my eyes and…OMG! Once you’ve had pepper spray in your face, you never forget that feeling! How on earth did this happen…again?! Clearly, there’s residue from the last time you sprayed yourself dumbass! Tears and instant nose running (thank goodness the boy isn’t here mocking me)! It’s worse this time than the first! My lips and eye swelled and maybe I had a reaction but my eye was red for two days!  You’d think by now, I’d have built up a tolerance to that shit! It took about an hour for the pain to subside and vision to be restored.  Once the dizziness and uncontrollably eye watering (maybe I was crying) and I sent the following text to my husband once

The pepper spray is now in the trash and the following text was sent to my husband:

“I do solemnly swear never ever ever to touch a can of pepper spray so long as I live!”